As Japan continues its rapid technological evolution, many of us look back on our days of JET and wonder how much better things could have been if only some of that technology had been available to us. We here at the Newsletter have contemplated all of the great inventions and innovations and come up with…

THE TOP 13 THINGS THAT WEREN’T INVENTED FOR JETS (BUT SHOULD HAVE BEEN)

13. Cortex Experience Downloader - Downloads your JET experiences directly into the cerebral cortexes of friends and relatives, saving valuable time on Q&A.

12. Oyaji-to-English Pocket Dictionary - This year’s edition has an entire appendix on grunts!

11. JokeToner 3000 - Freshens up jokes so you can re-use them in different classes for up to a week before they go stale.

10. Street Names - So you’ll never again have to say “I’ll meet you in front of Shinjuku Station.”

9. Canon ImplicationTank - Input what someone says and it tells you what they really mean.

8. FutsukayoBeGone - Amazing food processor that combines two-day old rice, Calbee Flakes and furikake to produce a guaranteed hangover cure.

7. Adobe ResumeJETTER - Converts JET resume lines such as “helped teach English classes” into “developed bi-lingual curricula for Board of Education in eight municipalities.”

6. Macudonarudo-izer - Insert prong, press button, and instantly convert any undesirable food (e.g., cow brain, raw sea slug, school lunch, etc.) into McDonald’s French fries.

5. GaijinGoggles - Placed over the eyes of any gaijin male object of desire, prevents him from noticing local females.

4. Kawa, the Clothes Drying Robot - This cutting edge mechanical breakthrough enables JETs to skip the clothesline and dry their clothes by “feeding” them to Kawa.

3. Shamisen Hero - Start at Level 1 with “Sakura,” pluck your way through “Greensleeves,” and unleash your true Zen spirit with “Stairway to Heaven.“

2. Backpatters - Voice activated device that attaches to your shoulder and pats you on the back every time you come up with a “clever” pun based on a Japanese word that sounds like an English word.

1. SkiPlayer - Attachment enables JETs to finally learn to “play ski.”